The ramblings of a girl who is misunderstood ... very eccentric ... completely odd ... painstakingly creative ... a little loud ... unbelievably funny ... extremely intelligent ... totally nerdy ... and really interesting ... as she loves her life and lives it ... walking down many rocky roads ... surrounded by people who will never truly understand her ...

Monday, March 20, 2017

Back for Blood

I get tired of being nothing
Of being criticized
And condemned
And ignored

You think you're better than me
More important
Perfect in the shadow of my imperfection
Beautiful in the shadow of my ugliness

You blame me for your unhappiness
Though you claim you are everything but

Your life is nothing but a lie
A story you've comprised of falsehoods
Untruths people are forced to swallow
But inside you know the truth
You know the person you really are
And you're scared
Of yourself
Of the truth
Of me because I am proof that your lies exist
And I represent a life you wish you had never lived

I am honest about who I am
Of the wrongs I have done
Of the hurts I have caused
I have apologized
But the fault is not only mine
I take ownership of who I was and who I am
I was created that way
Brought into a world where love was not freely given
Where battle had to be waged
Where all was lost from the very beginning
Where I was nothing and would always be nothing
Nothing more than a pawn
A vessel
A thing to be used
And manipulated
And hated
A thing to take all blame
My very existence cursed

You took from me what I cared about most
Loved with no strings attached
What I gave my life up for
And left me with nothing
And you felt glorified in that
Felt worthy
Felt loved because I no longer existed
But I do and was never forgotten
Your lies falling on deaf ears
You can't convince someone who was there
Who witnessed all you now deny
You keep them to yourself
Hoping they will one day believe you
Or forget about me
Not seeing that you won
You created monsters just like you
No more the sweet and loving they once were

My destruction makes you powerful
In your mind
In your heart
The reality is a complete opposite
Your words destroy me and blacken your soul
Your actions break my will and lead you closer to her
You claim to loathe her
But she is who you have become
A perfect match
The next generation taking over the madness
And passing it on to the next

But one day you'll have to pay
And the debt you have incurred is substantial
You have given up your humanity
Surrounded yourself by evil
And one day you'll have to answer for all you have done

Monday, June 8, 2015

The Nightmare You Inflicted on Me

Destroyed daily
I can't take it anymore
Can't keep holding it inside
The hurtful words
The vitriol spewed
Killing me just a little more
No way out
No place to hide
No taking it back now
You said it
You meant it
Your denials mean nothing
The words can't be unsaid
The pain can't be undone 
The tears can't be uncried
They just get worse and worse
Each knife wound deeper than the one before
You've murdered me
I'm dead
Are you happy now?
Should have gotten rid of me
You are the reason I am what I am
Where I am
All alone
So afraid
Stuck in a cage
Locked inside of my mind
Held captive in the world you helped me create
Cowering like a good girl
Awaiting my punishment
The door guarded by the monster you have become

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Fractured Soul, Fractured Reality, Fractured Heart

Thinking only of myself
Not his thoughts
Not his wants
Not his needs 
Not his feelings
Not anyone
Just me
Me and me alone
Expecting so much more than I even deserve
Than I even have the right to ask for
Eyes black with mascara
Wet with tears
My fault
My hurt
Caused by me
Want to be loved
Want to be wanted
Want to be heard
By him and him alone
The center of my world
But not the center of his
How dare I?
Deserves better
Deserves the best
Not me
Should walk away
Never look back
For the best
But for who?
Not me
Definitely him
My needs
My wants
My heart
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I tried
I'm sorry I didn't listen
I'm sorry I didn't see
See you just felt sorry
Sorry for me
You are free

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

A Verbal Sledgehammer

It really sucks never being able to do anything right, no matter how hard you try.
To have the good things about you annihilated with just a few words.
To have the things that you love thrown into your face like they are the most vile of things.
To constantly be someone's scapegoat for their miserable life.
Your words carve flesh as if you were using a knife.
Wounds souls, breaks hearts, destroys lives.
You accomplish nothing while you quash what little I have left in me.
I sit here and mourn my existence
because all you succeed in doing
is make me wish - hope pray beg plead -
that I was dead.