ME

The ramblings of a girl who is misunderstood ... very eccentric ... completely odd ... painstakingly creative ... a little loud ... unbelievably funny ... extremely intelligent ... totally nerdy ... and really interesting ... as she loves her life and lives it ... walking down many rocky roads ... surrounded by people who will never truly understand her ...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Suffering in Silence

You either love me OR don't love me
like me OR despise me
Not both
It can't be both
Both turns me into an abused animal - 
not sure what to do
how to behave
afraid to get close
afraid to move
never sure what will set you off
what will make you lash out
never sure what I've done - 
Love taken away so quickly
Only hurt remains
hurt that's worse than bruises
worse than blood
hurt so deep
at the core
a hurt that never goes away
can never be repaired
I can't trust
not anyone
especially not you
nice one second
mean and cruel the next
I flinch whenever you're close
even during the good times
Unconditional love holds no meaning for you
Your words stab at my heart until there's nothing left

The Used

You make me afraid
afraid to get close to anyone
afraid to be near anyone
afraid to love anyone
I shove them away
or run away myself
You crush me
with your words
with your attacks
with your hatred (of me, of the world around you)
You suffocate me
without ever touching me
You destroy me
with what comes out of your mouth
You kill me
make me wish I was dead
Is that what you want?
I can't give you anymore
I'm used up
There's nothing left of me
Why can't you see how much you hurt me?
Why don't you care?
I can't take any more!
I pray to disappear
pray to get away
pray to not wake up
Unanswered prayers that shouldn't be ignored

Thursday, November 14, 2013

See for yourself

when I look at me
I see a beautiful, loving person
I have faults
I've made mistakes
but I'm still a good person
I try and try to change
but my life is still ruled by my past
what does it take - 
what does it take for you to see
see the real me?
look past what you despise
what you don't know
look into my eyes 
for the eyes are the windows to the soul

Monday, November 11, 2013

Open your eyes

Do you see me?
Do you see my tears?
They're steaming down my face
As you yell, degrade

Do you know me
know anything about me?
Do you know my secrets?
Do you know my dreams?
Do you know my fears?

Do you listen?
Do you hear?
Do you take a moment out of your crazy life just for me ...
to see me ...
to really see?

Do you realize what you do?
How much you hurt me?
How much pain you cause?

Open your eyes
Take a look
Realize that there's more to me
See, hear, know

Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Enemy Within

the enemy within me
that thing that I hold so tight
cling to as if nothing else matters
that thing that causes me to fail
fail at everything I attempt
the fear
the self-loathing
the hate that I hold deep inside for myself
for who I am
for what I have let myself become
in the hopes of making everyone else happy
everyone else
but never me
how do I defeat this enemy
become the real me
let go of he fear that holds me here
stuck in limbo
closed up in this box
this cage
with no way out?

A Perfect Storm

rain, falling hard
thunder booming
wind gusting hard
rain drops crashing to the ground
all cover the sounds of my sadness
my sorrow
a perfect storm
so beautiful to look at
watching the world wash away
feeling the pain on the inside flood forth
puddles on the ground outside
puddles of my tears

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Heart Awakened

So far away
So unattainable
But merely the thought of him
Makes my head swoon
My knees weak
My heart beat so fast I can't breathe
Loneliness
Before just a normal thing pushed aside
Now crushingly so
Because he's perfect
And always on my mind

Deeply Damaged

Happiness
Diminishing
Old thoughts
Old Pain
Creeping in
Trying to steal that happiness from me
Trying to pull me back down
Down in that hole
That trapped me for so long
They buried me with him that day
Covered me with dirt as well
Watching the world pass over me
Unable to feel
Numb
Or feeling more than I can handle
Unable to let anyone touch me
Because of the pain

Emotional confusion

Is this what a broken heart feels like?
Can't breathe
Can't concentrate
Can't move
Can't function
Happiness turned to sadness
The loss of something important
So unexpectedly arrived
Seemingly disappeared
Wanting to reach out
Knowing its pointless
Wanting to hold on
Knowing I should give up
Selfish in acts, thoughts and emotions
Wanting what's just beyond my grasp
Longing
Hoping
Begging, pleading, praying
Willing to do anything to make him want me
To make him mine
To make him happy
To make him feel the same way I feel about him
Even give up everything

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Have Something to Say

It has been brought to my attention that I am a very negative person.

This was a conclusion ... based on an assumption ... formed from their analysis of my writings.

It is also very far from the truth.

Everyone looks at art, in any form, and sees something different.

You either like it or hate it.

I believe that the scribblings of a writer - whether novel, prose, short story, script, poem or even blog - all speak to us beyond the words that the author gave to them.

Sometimes a combination of words resonates with you, clutches your heart, impacts your soul.

A random line may motivate you, someone may say something that catches your breath or makes you weak in the knees, a character may remind you of yourself or someone you once knew, a setting description can bring back old memories.

You may even feel that the author was writing YOU when they created this character because the similarities to them and you are TOO much to be a mere coincidence.

Words can make you smile, laugh, cry or even anger you.  They can be misconstrued or misused.  They can be used as a weapon.  Words can bring understanding or breed hate.  They can heal old wounds.

You take something away that you never expected and that something never leaves you.

When I was younger, my father died, my family imploded, my world was torn apart- all in one day.  The shock, then numbness, followed by unbelievable sadness, is something that I have never gotten over.  It led me to thoughts of ending my life.

Words ... saved me.

That is why I write.

I write because there are words in me that need to be expressed, a voice that needs to be heard.

I write because others have written before me ... and because one person's words helped begin to put my world back together, a little bit at a time.

I write because my words may unexpectedly help another.

I write because I want people to know that they are not the only ones, that there are people who see ... and understand.

I write because my words help fix me.

But I feel some clarifications need to be made.

Not all of my writings are based on me, but some are.
Not all of them are negative or at least remain negative.
Not all of them are good.
No one is forcing you to read it.
I will not stop writing.

Note:
In the notebook I use to hold my pieces, I write an explanation of each at the end.  I chose to not include those explanations here because I wanted the reader to be able to see what they see, to learn what they learn, to feel what they feel - without my opinions getting in the way.

I am starting to rethink that idea.

But I will not rethink me ... or the words that come from me.

You will not steal my voice.

Monday, November 4, 2013

The end of a friendship

it's funny
you think you know someone
you consider the person a friend
a disagreement happens
possibly a misunderstanding
you feel your friendship was taken advantage of
that YOU were taken advantage of -
this could be your own fault
you tend to give people what you expect from them
only to be disappointed in then later
because you never get it back in return -
the other can't seem to see what the situation is
even when you lay it all out for them
in black and white
for them to read
they just don't get it
they just don't see
they make you the bad person
and you're semi-ok with that
you try to move on
even consider moving on without them -
the end of a friendship
if you can call it a friendship 
because now you just don't know -
you know you are not wrong
you know that they will never see your side
you smile and know that things will be different now
the stress will be gone
the negativity will be out of your life
but then you see
you see their true colors
when you see
finally - for the first time since the relationship began - see
see the real them
just how needy they really are
just how much they have not been a friend to you
just how messed up this person REALLY is
you leave it alone for awhile
let things go
knowing that you can come back later and decide where to go with this
your silence gets taken as anger
your silence gets taken as ignoring
when in reality you are just doing what needs to be done in your life -
how can someone be so selfish
expect so much of you
expect you to constantly be there
at all hours of the day and night? -
you become irritated with everything that has been happening
at the way this person has treated you
and the irritation
frustration
becomes worse
much worse
when they turn it around on you
say things 
vile things
about you 
that are not true
define you as something that you are not
talk down to you, condescend
as if they are better than you
as if you are the one that is wrong
(are people just so blind they can't see the obvious?)
you decide it needs to be over
you've cried
you've screamed
you've vented and vented to someone close
you just want to break down
disheartened
by those around you
there continues to be contact from this one you at one time cared about
the more you read the more the anger grows
the things this person has to say
the things this person says about you
trying to get your attention
trying to make you feel bad
guilty
like you are something you are not
it is definitely time to move on
to break all contact
politely, of course, because you are the better person
you've never ended a friendship before
not one that at one time mattered to you
but it's something you just can't walk away from
can't walk away from without saying a thing
but you know that your words will be unheard
just as they always have been with this person
you decide to just simply slip away
after wishing them all the best in the world
but then there's one last bang
when the person's words have gone unanswered
the person makes it public
public for all to see
with their lies
their drivel
their insanity
their negativity - 
the negativity they said is all on you - 
and now it's sitting there
you stare at it
you read it
you read it again
you read it out loud
you read it to a friend
you're ready to scream
you can't make it go away
it's there
for all to see
this person saying that you are not a good friend
when you have been nothing but
the friendship has got to be over now
you no longer want to be nice
but you have to be because being mean would backfire
being mean would make you what they say you are
you leave your polite message
you take a deep breath
you make the words go away
you breathe in again
you scream at the top of your lungs
as loud as you possibly can
then you breathe again
and you breathe
because life will go on
and you don't need this in your life
never did
it's time to move on
to smile and know that it's gone
that it won't be coming back
the end of another relationship
another person that you didn't need in your life
never did
a learning experience
i learned a lot
people come in and out of your life for a reason
this was one of them
a learning experience
i have learned
but i will not hold on to the negativity that i feel now
it's not worth it to hold on to it
i am too good a person for that
they don't feel bad
you won't either
you will move on
continue life as if none of this happened
you have way too much going for you
way too much to be saddened by a friendship that never really was

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I am awake in the place where women die

my mind
my heart
my soul
are broken
are crippled
are numb
and I am dying
because I'm allowing myself to die
I am stuck
with nowhere to go
nowhere to run
no one to turn to but myself
and no answers
no opinions
no ideas of how to raise myself up
get rid of the fear that holds me down
the negative words that harm me
I am alone even when surrounded by others
I feel unloved even when I have so much love around me, showered upon me
I am negative and hateful even when I try to be otherwise
and I am scared
scared to fail
afraid that I will never get to my dream
and that fear holds me back
I need to stop crying
stop hating myself
stop letting her win
I need to get up and get moving
be the real me
instead of being what everybody tells me to be, wants me to be, expects me to be
accomplish my goals
live the life I want to live
I am NOT going to die here
like so many before me
trapped

eye of the beholder

what do you see when you look at me?
do you see my hurt,
my pain?
do you see my dreams,
my goals?
do you see my heart,
my soul?
my thoughts?
my memories?
do you see the beautiful person that I am on the inside?
or do you judge - 
my tears?
my size?
my looks?
what makes you better than me?
what makes you perfect?
what makes me care?
why do I define myself by looking at you?

Postcards from over the edge

breathe in, breathe out
do I scream
or do I cry?
can't breathe
can't move
stuck
motionless
mind overflowing with thoughts
heart ready to explode with feelings
tears flowing
mouth frozen shut
no ears to hear
stomach sick
bile in throat
head pounding
can't breath
gasping
blood rushing to head
blackness seeping in
darkness
breathe in, breathe out
panic washes over me
and I let it in

Friday, November 1, 2013

Mouth full

I am full of feelings
that never come out in the open

I can't put them into words
or can't get those words to come out

Bottling them up inside
is only killing me slowly

It's all here in black and white

[Something I scribbled out on a piece of paper after finding the last poem posted, after looking through the box - at memories I wish I could forget and memories I want to always keep]

it's all here in black and white
strewn out before me
my eyes reading over my past
looking back at it now
i see it all - 
the lies he told me
the hurt i felt
the signs i chose to ignore - 
no love
no love existed there
something i forced myself to believe
thought i was supposed to feel
another stuck - 
reading it like a novel written long ago
remembering
realizing
seeing for the first time
things missed

Never saw it coming

[I found this looking through an old box I discovered hidden under my bed, one I had hidden when I first moved here and forgotten all about - written in August of 2009]

never saw it coming
the end of us
the end of the happiness that was between us
never saw it coming
you sleeping with her
you breaking so many promises -
and breaking my heart

never saw it coming
the hurtful things you said to me
the way it all ended
finding out that all our happiness
our good times
had been complete and utter lies
watching you walk away
hiding her
expecting me to stay
and be ok with her still being in your life

never saw it coming 
blindsided into a world of sadness
loneliness
and despair

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Scarred for life

i wish you could see me now
see what you did to me
see the hurt that i have
that i hold
that i want to be rid of
but all these years later
it's still there
as strong
as painful
as it was back then
i've tried forgiving
but forgetting is not in the cards
and you're ruined me
for the next guy
so i continue to push them away
can't trust
can't believe
those negative thoughts fill me
i have no love for you
not even hatred
just a fear
that what you did
they will too

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Inspiration #1

"Our children can see their world in their dreams.
Their children see our world in their nightmares."

"There are quite a lot of them actually - running around in human bodies, doing crazy things like writing on walls, working in co-ops, running inns in the mountains, talking to themselves in the streets, making pottery, practicing witchcraft.  They are in asylums pumped full of Thorazine, in a classroom on Ritalin or lithium.  They live with Indians.  They run recycle centers.  They are starting revolutions, corrupting the young, investigating paranoid conspiracy theories, making up religions.  They're directing movies, gobbling acid, drinking heavily and writing poetry.

The transition from their world to ours is not an easy one.  It's not easy on the soul and much is lost.  They may have no idea who or what they are at first.  They may or may not find out.  They WILL know that they are not like other people.  They will know that this world is not theirs.  They will faintly remember something better, where things made sense and worked like they ought to, where love and magic had the power to heal.

They will know what makes other people happy does not make them happy, and that's what makes them happy, happier than anyone else alive.

They will see things others cannot see, hear things others cannot hear, feel things others cannot feel and know things others do not know.

They will laugh a great deal or cry a great deal or both.

They will love humans individually, but have a hard time with humanity as a whole and that will occasionally approach loathing.

They will have a handful of very close friends and often be very lonely.

They will be unhappiest when forced to act like a human and do things that humans do, want what humans want or when they are convinced that they actually are one.

Things will not be easy for them.  Because of their memories of the other side, the world will seem to them a wondrous callipe with just a few teeth missing on one of the cogs.  Because of this tiny deficiency, the music is off key, the horses are crashing into each other and the children are frightened, bruised and crying.

The solution will seem obvious, but no one will listen.

They will be zealous, fanatical and didactic in their beliefs.  They will feel utterly confused.

They will have ecstatic visions and babble incoherently.  They will be extremely articulate.

They are prone to long periods of silence.  They have no idea how to say what they really mean.  They spend a lot of time with children and animals.

They will become drunkards and dope fiends, organic gardeners, soap makers, carpenters, madmen, magicians, jugglers and clowns, lunatic physicists, painters and scribblers, travelers and wanderers ...

They will dress in bright colors, frumpy sweaters or all black.

They will smoke too much and drink too much.  They will develop addictions to Mountain Dew.

They will often be accused of living in their own fantasy world.

They will make great lovers.  They will spend too much time either making love or thinking about it.

They will speak to inanimate objects.  They will have much brighter eyes than everyone else.

They will expect their magic to work in this world and their love to heal, and will be crushed by this world, and often won't expect it.

It will come close to killing them.

They will visit the places where the connections still exist.  They will draw on all the powers they have and sometimes, sometimes, the magic will work.  And everything will be wondrously easy.  The teeth will grow back on the cog of the calliope, the tune will right itself, the horses will bob gradually up and down, and around they will go.

They will spend their days trying to reconnect a branch that millions are busy sawing away at.  Often it will be more than they can bear.

While the rest of humanity is busy working on new and more efficient ways to lay waste to the Earth with the push of a button, they are saving it.  A handful at a time.

They will share a common conviction that they are the only sane individuals in a world gone mad.

They are right."

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The examined life

I am crazy - in my eyes and, apparently, others.
I am a burden on everyone.

I am a daydreamer - and choose to stay there, in the world I invent.

I am a disappointment - to others and to myself.
I am a failure.
I am a glutton.
I am a horrible person.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a liar.
I am a loser.
I am a mistake.
I am a mystery - an enigma.
I am a nuissance.

I am abandoned - by family, by friends, by myself, by God.

I am addicted - to food, to attention, to the sound of my voice.

I am afraid - very much full of fear - terrified.

I am alone - truly alone.  I am alone even in my dreams.

I am always overlooked.
I am an attention-seeker.
I am an old maid.
I am angry - very very angry.
I am ashamed - of my words, of my actions - of myself.
I am better off alone.
I am broken and I am unfixable.
I am child-less - no matter how bad I want one.
I am closed off - unable to let anyone in.
I am complicated.
I am condemned - and I, myself, condemn.
I am confused and confusing.

I am convinced that I am self-righteous, selfless, a saint - at least that's how some others have seen me.

I am deceived - by others and myself.
I am desperate.
I am despicable.
I am destined to always be alone.

I am diseased - my mother's favorite word for me.

I am disgraceful.
I am disgusting.
I am dismissed - as if I don't even matter.
I am distant.
I am embarrassing and embarrassed (of mostly myself).
I am emotional - most of the time overly so.
I am empty.
I am an exaggerator.
I am fat - enormous - and growing! - disgustingly so.
I am full of faults and mistakes.
I am full of secrets.
I am future-less.
I am hard-headed - devilishly so.
I have given up all hope.
I am heartbroken.
I am hungry - constantly - even when I'm really not.
I am hurt.
I am ignored.
I am invisible.
I am jealous.
I am jobless - because in the master plan of life, my job is considered insignificant.
I am lazy.
I am lonely - extremely lonely - even when surrounded by others.
I am life-less.
I am looked down upon.
I am lost.
I am loud.
I am miserable - and make those around me the same just by being in their presence.
I am misunderstood - yet so many "think" they know me, get me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am needy - something I've never noticed before, but then why would he lie?
I am never silent - even when I should be.
I am no longer a fighter.
I am never missed.
I am not cared about by anyone.
I am not needed.
I am not of this reality.
I am not relationship-worthy.
I am nothing.

I am old - too old to change, too old to do anything, too old to matter (too old to keep dreaming) - just too damn old - and I feel even older.

I am out of fashion.
I am out of shape.
I am pathetic.
I am repulsive.
I am sad - devastatingly sad.
I am selfish.
I am somber.
I am sometimes suicidal - in thought, in theory, in reality.
I am sometimes mean.
I am stuck in a box with no way out.
I am stupid.
I am suffering.
I am ugly.
I am unable to change.
I am unable to make you understand.
I am unable to trust anyone - and no one can trust me.
I am unfit to live.
I am unforgiven.
I am uninteresting.

I am the life of the party - but so alone.
I am unloved.
I am unsaveable - your prayers are lost, wasted on me.
I am unseen.
I am unattractive, unsexy - no matter how hard I try to be.
I am unsuccessful.
I am unsure.
I am untalented.
I am unwanted.
I am used - and I am a user.

I am self-loathing - as if you hadn't noticed.

I am without family.
I am without friends.
I am worthless - and unworthy.
I am unable to see anything good about myself at all.

So my question is - what good am I?

Wicked

misery, pain, agony
turned into hatred, cruelty
your lies become my truth
wicked and vicious
black stone heart
unfeeling, uncaring, unloving
tears
for me, for you
death of feelings
death of mind
death of soul
death of me

No getting over this

why?
why do you behave this way?
nice one moment
incredibly mean the next
why?
why do you hate me?
the horrible things said by you - 
the threats
the lies
the cruel words -
all unprovoked
all left hanging in the air - 
no apologies
no regrets
and no forgiveness
no day gone by without the thought of it
the words replayed over and over
the tears fall again
just like the first day they were heard
the hurt
the emotions
the pain left unspoken
you don't want to hear
you don't care
so much you've done to me
so much hate you've earned
you destroy me with your words
make yourself feel better by killing me
breaking my heart
crippling me emotionally
and then walking away

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Lost girl

lost
misplaced
mislaid
gone
vanished
nowhere to be found
(has anyone bothered looking for me?)

or maybe just disoriented
puzzled
confused
a little off course
perplexed
mystified
about how to get there in the first place
baffled
flummoxed
about what's left to come

deep in thought
engrossed
entranced
about what I want
but so absorbed
(and a little afraid - 
of failure
of success)
that I forget to live

wandering aimlessly through life
or so it seems
vulnerable
with my heart on my sleeve
abandoned
deserted
by those around me