ME

The ramblings of a girl who is misunderstood ... very eccentric ... completely odd ... painstakingly creative ... a little loud ... unbelievably funny ... extremely intelligent ... totally nerdy ... and really interesting ... as she loves her life and lives it ... walking down many rocky roads ... surrounded by people who will never truly understand her ...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The examined life

I am crazy - in my eyes and, apparently, others.
I am a burden on everyone.

I am a daydreamer - and choose to stay there, in the world I invent.

I am a disappointment - to others and to myself.
I am a failure.
I am a glutton.
I am a horrible person.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a liar.
I am a loser.
I am a mistake.
I am a mystery - an enigma.
I am a nuissance.

I am abandoned - by family, by friends, by myself, by God.

I am addicted - to food, to attention, to the sound of my voice.

I am afraid - very much full of fear - terrified.

I am alone - truly alone.  I am alone even in my dreams.

I am always overlooked.
I am an attention-seeker.
I am an old maid.
I am angry - very very angry.
I am ashamed - of my words, of my actions - of myself.
I am better off alone.
I am broken and I am unfixable.
I am child-less - no matter how bad I want one.
I am closed off - unable to let anyone in.
I am complicated.
I am condemned - and I, myself, condemn.
I am confused and confusing.

I am convinced that I am self-righteous, selfless, a saint - at least that's how some others have seen me.

I am deceived - by others and myself.
I am desperate.
I am despicable.
I am destined to always be alone.

I am diseased - my mother's favorite word for me.

I am disgraceful.
I am disgusting.
I am dismissed - as if I don't even matter.
I am distant.
I am embarrassing and embarrassed (of mostly myself).
I am emotional - most of the time overly so.
I am empty.
I am an exaggerator.
I am fat - enormous - and growing! - disgustingly so.
I am full of faults and mistakes.
I am full of secrets.
I am future-less.
I am hard-headed - devilishly so.
I have given up all hope.
I am heartbroken.
I am hungry - constantly - even when I'm really not.
I am hurt.
I am ignored.
I am invisible.
I am jealous.
I am jobless - because in the master plan of life, my job is considered insignificant.
I am lazy.
I am lonely - extremely lonely - even when surrounded by others.
I am life-less.
I am looked down upon.
I am lost.
I am loud.
I am miserable - and make those around me the same just by being in their presence.
I am misunderstood - yet so many "think" they know me, get me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am needy - something I've never noticed before, but then why would he lie?
I am never silent - even when I should be.
I am no longer a fighter.
I am never missed.
I am not cared about by anyone.
I am not needed.
I am not of this reality.
I am not relationship-worthy.
I am nothing.

I am old - too old to change, too old to do anything, too old to matter (too old to keep dreaming) - just too damn old - and I feel even older.

I am out of fashion.
I am out of shape.
I am pathetic.
I am repulsive.
I am sad - devastatingly sad.
I am selfish.
I am somber.
I am sometimes suicidal - in thought, in theory, in reality.
I am sometimes mean.
I am stuck in a box with no way out.
I am stupid.
I am suffering.
I am ugly.
I am unable to change.
I am unable to make you understand.
I am unable to trust anyone - and no one can trust me.
I am unfit to live.
I am unforgiven.
I am uninteresting.

I am the life of the party - but so alone.
I am unloved.
I am unsaveable - your prayers are lost, wasted on me.
I am unseen.
I am unattractive, unsexy - no matter how hard I try to be.
I am unsuccessful.
I am unsure.
I am untalented.
I am unwanted.
I am used - and I am a user.

I am self-loathing - as if you hadn't noticed.

I am without family.
I am without friends.
I am worthless - and unworthy.
I am unable to see anything good about myself at all.

So my question is - what good am I?

2 comments:

  1. This one is very intense!! As humans, we can't help but to feel this way. Some, more then others! You have the ability to put it all in words!! That is a great gift.

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  2. Thank you, Diego. I appreciate the compliment. This is one of my favorites. :)

    ReplyDelete