ME

The ramblings of a girl who is misunderstood ... very eccentric ... completely odd ... painstakingly creative ... a little loud ... unbelievably funny ... extremely intelligent ... totally nerdy ... and really interesting ... as she loves her life and lives it ... walking down many rocky roads ... surrounded by people who will never truly understand her ...

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Scarred for life

i wish you could see me now
see what you did to me
see the hurt that i have
that i hold
that i want to be rid of
but all these years later
it's still there
as strong
as painful
as it was back then
i've tried forgiving
but forgetting is not in the cards
and you're ruined me
for the next guy
so i continue to push them away
can't trust
can't believe
those negative thoughts fill me
i have no love for you
not even hatred
just a fear
that what you did
they will too

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Inspiration #1

"Our children can see their world in their dreams.
Their children see our world in their nightmares."

"There are quite a lot of them actually - running around in human bodies, doing crazy things like writing on walls, working in co-ops, running inns in the mountains, talking to themselves in the streets, making pottery, practicing witchcraft.  They are in asylums pumped full of Thorazine, in a classroom on Ritalin or lithium.  They live with Indians.  They run recycle centers.  They are starting revolutions, corrupting the young, investigating paranoid conspiracy theories, making up religions.  They're directing movies, gobbling acid, drinking heavily and writing poetry.

The transition from their world to ours is not an easy one.  It's not easy on the soul and much is lost.  They may have no idea who or what they are at first.  They may or may not find out.  They WILL know that they are not like other people.  They will know that this world is not theirs.  They will faintly remember something better, where things made sense and worked like they ought to, where love and magic had the power to heal.

They will know what makes other people happy does not make them happy, and that's what makes them happy, happier than anyone else alive.

They will see things others cannot see, hear things others cannot hear, feel things others cannot feel and know things others do not know.

They will laugh a great deal or cry a great deal or both.

They will love humans individually, but have a hard time with humanity as a whole and that will occasionally approach loathing.

They will have a handful of very close friends and often be very lonely.

They will be unhappiest when forced to act like a human and do things that humans do, want what humans want or when they are convinced that they actually are one.

Things will not be easy for them.  Because of their memories of the other side, the world will seem to them a wondrous callipe with just a few teeth missing on one of the cogs.  Because of this tiny deficiency, the music is off key, the horses are crashing into each other and the children are frightened, bruised and crying.

The solution will seem obvious, but no one will listen.

They will be zealous, fanatical and didactic in their beliefs.  They will feel utterly confused.

They will have ecstatic visions and babble incoherently.  They will be extremely articulate.

They are prone to long periods of silence.  They have no idea how to say what they really mean.  They spend a lot of time with children and animals.

They will become drunkards and dope fiends, organic gardeners, soap makers, carpenters, madmen, magicians, jugglers and clowns, lunatic physicists, painters and scribblers, travelers and wanderers ...

They will dress in bright colors, frumpy sweaters or all black.

They will smoke too much and drink too much.  They will develop addictions to Mountain Dew.

They will often be accused of living in their own fantasy world.

They will make great lovers.  They will spend too much time either making love or thinking about it.

They will speak to inanimate objects.  They will have much brighter eyes than everyone else.

They will expect their magic to work in this world and their love to heal, and will be crushed by this world, and often won't expect it.

It will come close to killing them.

They will visit the places where the connections still exist.  They will draw on all the powers they have and sometimes, sometimes, the magic will work.  And everything will be wondrously easy.  The teeth will grow back on the cog of the calliope, the tune will right itself, the horses will bob gradually up and down, and around they will go.

They will spend their days trying to reconnect a branch that millions are busy sawing away at.  Often it will be more than they can bear.

While the rest of humanity is busy working on new and more efficient ways to lay waste to the Earth with the push of a button, they are saving it.  A handful at a time.

They will share a common conviction that they are the only sane individuals in a world gone mad.

They are right."

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The examined life

I am crazy - in my eyes and, apparently, others.
I am a burden on everyone.

I am a daydreamer - and choose to stay there, in the world I invent.

I am a disappointment - to others and to myself.
I am a failure.
I am a glutton.
I am a horrible person.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a liar.
I am a loser.
I am a mistake.
I am a mystery - an enigma.
I am a nuissance.

I am abandoned - by family, by friends, by myself, by God.

I am addicted - to food, to attention, to the sound of my voice.

I am afraid - very much full of fear - terrified.

I am alone - truly alone.  I am alone even in my dreams.

I am always overlooked.
I am an attention-seeker.
I am an old maid.
I am angry - very very angry.
I am ashamed - of my words, of my actions - of myself.
I am better off alone.
I am broken and I am unfixable.
I am child-less - no matter how bad I want one.
I am closed off - unable to let anyone in.
I am complicated.
I am condemned - and I, myself, condemn.
I am confused and confusing.

I am convinced that I am self-righteous, selfless, a saint - at least that's how some others have seen me.

I am deceived - by others and myself.
I am desperate.
I am despicable.
I am destined to always be alone.

I am diseased - my mother's favorite word for me.

I am disgraceful.
I am disgusting.
I am dismissed - as if I don't even matter.
I am distant.
I am embarrassing and embarrassed (of mostly myself).
I am emotional - most of the time overly so.
I am empty.
I am an exaggerator.
I am fat - enormous - and growing! - disgustingly so.
I am full of faults and mistakes.
I am full of secrets.
I am future-less.
I am hard-headed - devilishly so.
I have given up all hope.
I am heartbroken.
I am hungry - constantly - even when I'm really not.
I am hurt.
I am ignored.
I am invisible.
I am jealous.
I am jobless - because in the master plan of life, my job is considered insignificant.
I am lazy.
I am lonely - extremely lonely - even when surrounded by others.
I am life-less.
I am looked down upon.
I am lost.
I am loud.
I am miserable - and make those around me the same just by being in their presence.
I am misunderstood - yet so many "think" they know me, get me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am needy - something I've never noticed before, but then why would he lie?
I am never silent - even when I should be.
I am no longer a fighter.
I am never missed.
I am not cared about by anyone.
I am not needed.
I am not of this reality.
I am not relationship-worthy.
I am nothing.

I am old - too old to change, too old to do anything, too old to matter (too old to keep dreaming) - just too damn old - and I feel even older.

I am out of fashion.
I am out of shape.
I am pathetic.
I am repulsive.
I am sad - devastatingly sad.
I am selfish.
I am somber.
I am sometimes suicidal - in thought, in theory, in reality.
I am sometimes mean.
I am stuck in a box with no way out.
I am stupid.
I am suffering.
I am ugly.
I am unable to change.
I am unable to make you understand.
I am unable to trust anyone - and no one can trust me.
I am unfit to live.
I am unforgiven.
I am uninteresting.

I am the life of the party - but so alone.
I am unloved.
I am unsaveable - your prayers are lost, wasted on me.
I am unseen.
I am unattractive, unsexy - no matter how hard I try to be.
I am unsuccessful.
I am unsure.
I am untalented.
I am unwanted.
I am used - and I am a user.

I am self-loathing - as if you hadn't noticed.

I am without family.
I am without friends.
I am worthless - and unworthy.
I am unable to see anything good about myself at all.

So my question is - what good am I?

Wicked

misery, pain, agony
turned into hatred, cruelty
your lies become my truth
wicked and vicious
black stone heart
unfeeling, uncaring, unloving
tears
for me, for you
death of feelings
death of mind
death of soul
death of me

No getting over this

why?
why do you behave this way?
nice one moment
incredibly mean the next
why?
why do you hate me?
the horrible things said by you - 
the threats
the lies
the cruel words -
all unprovoked
all left hanging in the air - 
no apologies
no regrets
and no forgiveness
no day gone by without the thought of it
the words replayed over and over
the tears fall again
just like the first day they were heard
the hurt
the emotions
the pain left unspoken
you don't want to hear
you don't care
so much you've done to me
so much hate you've earned
you destroy me with your words
make yourself feel better by killing me
breaking my heart
crippling me emotionally
and then walking away